


Requiem

by Legoleave



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Coming Out, Dungeons and Dragons, Family Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Character Death, Sarek being a Good Dad, Theater Nerd James T Kirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24933412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legoleave/pseuds/Legoleave
Summary: It was not what Spock had expected to come out of having to sit in the back of the auditorium during the theater rehearsals. Yet meeting Jim Kirk, who is still getting over some trauma himself, changed his life in a way he could have never imagined.Written for the T'hy'la Bang 2020.
Relationships: (brief), (past), Amanda Grayson/Sarek, Christine Chapel/Spock, Edith Keeler/James T. Kirk, James T. Kirk/Spock, Montgomery "Scotty" Scott/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27
Collections: T’hy’la Bang 2020





	Requiem

**Author's Note:**

> My artist / partner in this Big Bang was the amazing [Eimeh](https://twitter.com/ShimizuAimee)  
> I absolutely adore the art she has created for this!! Please show her some love  
> [Check out the art!!](https://twitter.com/ShimizuAimee/status/1276633312010752001)  
> Also a huge thank you to my dear best friend [KisakumaMustang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KisakumaMustang/pseuds/KisakumaMustang) for beta reading this and listening to my rants during the writing and editing process! <3

_requiem  
/ˈrɛkwɪəm,ˈrɛkwɪɛm/  
noun  
(especially in the Roman Catholic Church) a Mass for the repose of the souls of the dead.  
"a requiem was held for the dead queen"  
a musical composition setting parts of a requiem Mass, or of a similar character.  
"Fauré's Requiem"  
an act or token of remembrance.  
a song from the musical “Dear Evan Hansen” ___

Spock never expected that there would be a time in which feelings were a part of his life that he thought about multiple times a day, but that was before he met Jim Kirk. Jim was special, he made Spock want to feel, which was something Spock did not imagine to be possible.  
It was love at first sight, even though it was not. Yes, Spock knew from the moment he saw Jim sing for the first time that they had a connection, but love? Love was illogical, unpredictable, sometimes fast and overwhelming like a fast river, sometimes calm and peaceful, but incredibly deep, like a quiet lake.  
This was neither of those things.  
Spock did not understand these feelings he had, so he kept telling himself that he had none, being a child of two cultures he always felt like it was necessary for him to choose one over the other, never considered that being both human and vulcan might be a good thing.  
And quite some time ago he chose his vulcan, logical side over his human side, though he never truly felt complete.  
It all began to change when Sybok came back from college and got a small job at Spock's high school, he was mainly helping out Pike with the production of the school musical they were going to put up that year. This meant that Spock had to stay behind three times a week, waiting for Sybok to take him home, because according to their father, Sarek, it was the logical thing to do considering that Spock did not have a car of his own and the walk from and to the school would take him approximately 25.3839 minutes more, at the beginning it did annoy him slightly, having to wait before he was able to go home, but later into the school year he was glad that it happened that way.  
So every Monday, Wednesday and Friday he would sit in the last row of the auditorium and watch the theater kids practice their singing, do auditions and prepare for their role.  
It was fascinating, beautiful even, in its own way. Seeing them be so passionate about their performances. They were special, made Spock want to express his humanity more, by just showing him that being true to yourself can be good and important  
Pike was a very motivated teacher, always trying to get his students to step over their own shadows, motivating them and even helping them when they come to him with personal problems. So when it was announced that he would manage the musical this year, a lot more students joined than the years before, much to the annoyance of the “old” theater kids, who now are worried about getting the lead roles, they believe to deserve.  
One of them is James Kirk. He has been active in theater since he can remember. Always wanting to stand on a stage, entertaining people. His passion for so many things made him the center of female attention, they see him as a challenge because of the rumors surrounding him, saying that he would only date girls to use and abuse them, which was the wrongest thing you could ever think about him, they keep saying that he had dozens of girlfriends and all of them ended up being broken hearted, which is incredibly untrue, he would never intentionally hurt anyone, because what people don't seem to realize is that he is quite a softie.  
Actually he only had two, both have been very meaningful to him. The first, Carol Marcus, broke up with him, thinking that they wanted different things in life, they are still friends. About his second partner, Edith Keeler, he prefers to not talk. Not even his best friends know the whole story about her and he decided to keep it that way for the time being. When asked about her he would quickly change the subject to something, anything else.  
He was not ready to share the pain that he still has buried deep inside of him surrounding her.

\----

On the first day of play rehearsal, they were greeted by Pike, who maybe or maybe not had one or two coffees too much that morning, and a Vulcan man, most of them had never meet before. Nobody even noticed the other vulcan, quietly sitting in the back, his nose stuck in a text book.  
“Okay Gang! I am so happy that so many joined us here today.”, Pike announced with a huge smile on his lips. “This is Sybok.”, he added while pointing to the Vulcan, “He is gonna help us with preparing our play this year. You want to introduce yourself?”  
“Yeah sure.”, Sybok said with an equally big smile, surprising to most people in the room, who are not used to see an emotional Vulcan, “So like Pike said I am Sybok. I just got out of college where I double majored in education and theater, much to my father's disapproval”, he joked.  
“Also, you might have noticed the boy sitting in the last row, that's my little brother Spock, hope it's alright for everyone if he tags along. I am his ride home.”, the Vulcan added while pointing Spock.  
“Say Hi Spock!”  
“Hi Spock”, he replied sassily, to which a boy with blonde hair, Jim Kirk as he would learn later, let out a small laugh, even though no one else thought it was funny.  
“Seriously? You really need to stop talking to Michael so much. Anyway… Pike has told me that I am allowed to announce what musical we gonna do.”, Sybok told the, now more interested, students.  
“Its…. Dear Evan Hansen!”, he said as a roar went over the students, excited to finally do a modern musical, that most of them know and love.  
“But”, Pike broke through the noises, “we made some rules for the auditions.”  
“First. If you want to play one of the lead, we want you to sing two songs for auditioning. One of you choosing and one from the musical that we will give to you.”  
“Yeah. For Evan that would be “Words Fail” and for Zoe “Requiem”! The sheet music we can give to you on Wednesday if you want. We are also gonna give you about two weeks to prepare for the auditions so that you can sound your best.”, Sybok added proudly.

\----

Jim has been scared of this encounter for a long time, never wanted to meet this man face to face, tried to avoid seeing him for the most part, which wasnt always easy but until now he somehow managed to do it.  
But now the older man is standing in front of him, a sad expression on his face.  
“He has the same eyes that she had”, Jim thought to himself, as he felt his heartbeat fasten.  
“What do you want?”, he asked more quietly then he meant to.  
“Oh you mean besides my sister back?”, he, Stephen Keeler, said.

\----

Quietly Spock opened the door to the house he had been living at for the past few years. He did not wish to draw attention to himself. Sybok had dropped him of at this place before heading to his own place, a few blocks away.  
“Spock? Is that you?”, his mother called from the kitchen, apparently gifted with an extreme hearing ability.  
“Yes mother.”  
“Come here and tell me how school was! I am making Plomeek soup for dinner.”  
Slowly he removed his jacket and shoes and headed to his mother.  
“So how was the first day of watching the theater kids, dear? Did you make any friends?”, she asked while chopping up the vegetables for the soup.  
“It was fascinating observing the passion they have for their craft.”; he explained, “Where did you get the plomeek? It does not grow on earth.”  
To that Amanda let out a small laugh. “Trying to change the topic already? Your sister brought it along for us after her last trip to Vulcan. I put some of it in the freezer so it will stay fresh for longer.”  
“That seems reasonable. Now if you might excuse me, I have some homework to attend.”

\----

“Damn Jim. What happened to your eye?”, Bones asked the next day, as he picked Jim up for school, they had been doing this since Leonard had learned how to drive.  
He would pick Jim up at his house, they would grab some coffee on the way and then head to school. Quite a good system.  
“Nothing. Just a minor fight yesterday. Not a big deal.”, he shrugged while putting on his seat belt.  
“That ain’t looking like a minor fight. Lemme look”  
“No really it's alright, you should see the other guy.”  
Bones just shook his head and started to concentrate on driving again, before he would get them into a car crash, because that is the last thing he needs this morning.  
It was not the first time he saw Jim with a black eye, not even the second or third time. Honestly it happens a lot, to the point that he believes that his friend might enjoy getting punched in the face.  
After a while he said, “You know Jim. Hiding your feeling behind humour is not a healthy coping skill” to which Jim didn't respond and instead just kept staring out of the window.  
“We’re gonna pick Scotty up, before we gonna go grab coffee. If it's alright with you.”, Bones told Jim a bit later.  
“Yeah I don't mind.”

\----

“So whatcha got in first period?”, Sybok asked happily as he pulled into the driveway of the school.  
“Physics”  
“Not very talkative, are ya?”  
“The question did not need a longer answer.”, Spock insisted.  
“You really sound like father.”, Sybok teased, “Anyway. Remember that today there is no theater rehearsal. So we are going to leave right after school.”  
Spock just nodded and headed to his first class.

\----

As he sat down, a girl with blonde hair sat next to him.  
“You’re Spock, right? I saw you yesterday in theater.”, she said, “I am Christine. I noticed that you seem to spend most of your time alone. You can join me and my friends for lunch if you want.”  
“That is not necessary.”  
“No no I insist.”, she smiled.  
“I will.. consider it.”, he mumbled as the teacher started the class.  
This was not something he was used to, in the two years he already was on earth, he prefered to be alone and back on Vulcan he did not have many friends either, maybe because of the Vulcan mentality that friendly relationships are irrelevant and illogical, or maybe because the other children did not like him for being half human. Most likely a mixture of both.  
He would join them at lunch time. Not because he himself was lonely, he was not, just because it would comfort his mother, and maybe it would help him understand human culture better.  
And perhaps having some company would not be so bad after all, not meaning that he is lonely in anyway, that would be just illogical. 

\----

“So guys. This is Spock, some of you might know him from the theater practice yesterday. I told him that he could join us”, Christine said after she basically pulled the Vulcan to a table in the corner of the cafeteria and told him to sit.  
“You are from Vulcan right? That's so interesting.”, a girl with dark skin told him, “I am Nyota Uhura. Don't tell Jim my first name when he gets here. He will definitely ask you at one point”  
“Is there a reason why I should not tell him?”  
“No but I like to tease him.”  
“Seems logical.”  
“I am Scotty by the way.”, the young man at the other end of the table spoke up.  
“Where are Jim and Leonard anyway?”,Uhura asked  
“Jim got beaten up again and Leo refuses to let him come her before he at least looked at it.”, Scotty told them.  
“Damn. That boy really needs to learn to stay out of trouble.”, Christine shook his head.  
“Speaking of the devil. There they are.”, Christine announced.  
“Yo. How's it hanging guys. Talking bad about us again?”, the blonde one with the black eye, Jim, greeted them.  
“Always Kirk.”, Nyota said with a smirk.  
“So. Who’s the new one.”, Leonard asked, while nodding to Spock who by now had started sketching into his sketchbook he always kept onto himself.  
“I am Spock.”, he introduced himself.  
As the group started chatting, Spock started to zone out a bit, fully concentrated into his drawing. It helped him understand what was happening, whether it was in the real world or things from his dreams. He was glad that his mother had taught him to do it.  
“What are you drawing?”, Jim asked, sitting next to him and looking at his sketchbook curiously.  
“It is a Sehlat, animals native to my homeplanet.”  
“It's a really nice drawing.”, he smiled and turned back to the conversation with the others, “So guys. I was thinking we could do a DnD session this Friday. I've got a new story planned!”  
All of the others at the table agreed to it happily.  
“You’re invited too, Spock.”, Jim said smiling  
“Me? I believe I have never played that game before”  
“Don't worry! We’ll teach you. It will be fun”, Christine reassured him.  
“That would be agreeable”  
It felt nice to be invited to something, it was not something that had happened to Spock in the past.

\----

“So what song you going to audition with? You will aim for the lead role, am I right?”, Bones asked Jim on their way home.  
“Yeah of course I want lead. Maybe I’ll sing Empty Chairs at empty tables from Les Mis.”  
“Isn't that a really hard song? Shouldn't you go the save way and pick an easy song?”  
“Bonesy. I am trying to win, not just compete. Beside I practiced that song a lot, so I think I can do it”  
This caused the other guy to shake his head, still with a smile on his face. He knew that singing was one of the things that could actually bring joy into Jim's life so he obviously supported him in it.

\----

“I’m home.”, Jim called out, secretly hoping that no one would answer. He would much prefer to be alone tonight, having room to think.  
“Fuck you!”, his brother Sam called back.  
“Get a job!”  
This was a normal conversation between them, it's probably just the way siblings talk to each other so it's not a big deal.  
“How was school?”, he then asked, coming out of the living room.  
“Pretty good. I invited the gang over for DnD on Friday. You can join us if you want.”  
“I am not a huge nerd like you, Jimmy.”  
With that Jim went to his bedroom, threw his backpack into the corner and threw himself onto his bed. The encounter with Stephen yesterday has torn on him: Of course he knew that he never truly was over Edith's death, how would he.  
But her brother blaming him for it was a whole new level of painful.  
Quietly, he stood up to lock the door as the first tears started falling from his eyes, then he slowly walked up to he bookshelf and pulled of a small, not noticeable box and opened it.  
Jim started shaking as he pulled the letters from the box, that just five minutes ago was still neatly packed away behind his books.  
Carefully he opened the first one and began reading it, tears still streaming down his face.

_Hey Jim,  
New York is great! I really miss you thought. You should join us next time!  
I miss hearing your voice singing to me a lot, so you will need to sing to me a whole lot more once I get back.  
You once told me that “Let me help” will be prefered over I love you in the future so I wont say that I love you (you know I do).  
Instead I will just tell you that I am always there for you. I know that the situation with your father isn't exactly ideal. Is there anything I can do to help?  
I know that New York is supposed to feel like home to me, I was born and raised here after all, but still I feel like my home cannot be at a place where you are not at.  
We will be back in about three weeks. I think I can survive for that long.  
Love, Edith _

Jim let out at sigh after reading those lines. Edith had loved sending letters to him instead of just texting. It was one thing that made her so special to him.  
Carefully the took out the letter underneath this one, it is the reply he had send to her after the letter he had read before. After her death, her parents had decided to give all the letters she still had to him instead of throwing them away, which he is very grateful for. He could recognise his scribbly, messy handwriting on the fancy letter paper, Edith had given to him, after she got annoyed that all his letter were written on pages ripped out of his notebook.

_Hey Edith,  
I am happy that you enjoy New York, but I miss you so much. I’ll ask my parents about joining you.  
I actually have practised a lot since you have left, can't wait you show you my improvement. I just can't wait to see you again soon  
Love you so much  
Yours Jim _

The letters from him had always been a lot shorter than hers, he never really knew what to write in them because when they were apart they still had daily phone calls and talked about everything that was going on in their lives there.  
Quickly, he packed the letters away again, as he heard the front door being opened.  
“Jim? Sam? Come downstairs and help me unpack these groceries”, his mother called from the front door. Jim took a brief look into the mirror, he looked like shit but the black eye did hide the redness that came from the time he just spend crying. So he just whipped the wetness of his eyes and went to help his mother.  
When he went downstairs his whole face still was red and puffy especially around his eyes, it was obvious that he had cried before but still no one even mentioned it to him  
Sometimes it shocks him how much his family doesn't care about how he is feeling right now, often they seem to think that his emotions are not as valid because he is still a teenager.  
He just quietly grabbed the groceries and started to put them away, ignoring his mother and brother talking about something he didn't really care about, if he is being really honest with himself here he really does listen to their conversations. Maybe he should try to be more involved with them in the future? But he still does not know how he should do that even if he wanted to try.  
It is not that he is lonely or anything. He still has his friends who care for him and are amazing in general. 

\----

Spock also joined the others for lunch the following day, hearing to them talk about anything somehow illogically relaxed him. He did not know why.  
Today it seems like they were incredibly interested in knowing about Spocks past on Vulcan.  
Of course Spock missed his homeworld sometimes, even though he told himself that it was illogical to feel that way. But still he wouldn't want to go back. He does not want to face the prejudice about him being half human again.  
“Please Spock! Tell us something about Vulcan. None of us have ever been off planet.”, Christine basically begged him, to which Spock just said “What do you want to know?”  
Then they asked him question after question, from the food to the architecture to the technology. But when they asked about his childhood he hesitated.  
He had never discussed the cruelty of his peers on Vulcan with anyone outside of his family, and he was not sure if this was the right moment to start.  
“I did not enjoy growing up on Vulcan.”, he quietly said, without making eye contact with anyone on the table, “I was often harassed by the other children for having a human mother.”  
“Oh damn. I am so sorry for asking Spock.”, Christine softly said.  
“It does not matter.”, Spock added and hoped for someone to change the subject.  
“So who is coming on Friday?”, Jim quickly asked after noticing Spock’s discomfort.  
Everyone agreed that they would come, and Spock realized that Jim is incredible at reading people.  
He did not believe that he showed a big sign of discomfort and still Jim seemed to understand what was going on inside of him. This was not something Spock had experienced before, people do not tend to be able to read Spock correctly.  
Not even his family.  
“Are Chekov and Sulu also coming?”, Uhura asked.  
“Yeah, I asked both of them yesterday.”, Jim told them with a smile.  
Spock did not know these people, but he did not care enough to ask who they were.  
\-----

The friday came quicker than Spock thought it would, and we was now standing in his room, unsure what to wear to an occasion like this. It is not like he had ever been to anything even remotely similar to this.  
Quickly he took out his phone and send a quick text to his sister Michael.  
_Wear your dark blue turtleneck and some dark jeans._  
He chose not to be concerned that Michael knew what clothes he owned better than he himself did. He must admit that the outfit Michael choose for him, did look good on him.  
A quick glance at the clock told him, that Jim would be aspecting him at his place, that he got the address of yesterday, in about 9.87 minutes, so it would be best of leave now, to not be late. He grabbed his jacket, knowing that it was possible that it would be rather cold later and he would rather not be freezing.  
“Mother? Could you drive me to Jim’s place now? We have talked about it before.”, he asked his mother as he came into the living room.  
“Yeah of course.”, she said, grabbed her keys and her jacket and went to the car with Spock.  
He was the first to arrive, being a bit early, but Jim did not seem to mind.  
“Come on in.”, he said to Spock and gestured him to follow him inside the house, which he did right away. “So we are going to play in the living room, because it's bigger than my room. Don't worry my parents aren’t home so they won't come in randomly.”, he told him as they went into the living room, where Jim had already prepared some snacks and drinks for them and had put down the things they needed to play.  
“If you want I can explain the basics to you before the others arrive.”  
“That would be a good idea.”, Spock agreed and sat down next to Jim on the coach.  
Jim began explaining the rules, the usage of the different dices and the way the story is told to him, to which he could not pay all of his attention, the slight scent of Jim's shampoo was to distracting to him, it smelled sweet with a note of vanilla. A very pleasant scent. Spock took a mental note to look in the bathroom for it later, as the doorbell rang.  
Jim, who just now realized how close he and Spock had been sitting, went to open the door to let the others in.  
Spock took the opportunity to take a look around the room. There were a lot of pictures hung up on the walls.  
One was of Jim with an older man and another boy, seemingly his father and brother, at a camping trip, all three of them laughing. One was of Jim and a girl with brown hair, standing close to him with his arm around her waist, it made Spock wonder why this photo was the one that was the most hidden. Jim looked incredibly happy in it.  
Before he could continue the thought, Jim came inside again, followed by Christine, Nyota, Scotty, Leonard and two guys Spock had not met before. They must be Chekov and Sulu, he assumed.  
“Hi I am Pavel Chekov.”, the younger one of the two introduced himself to Spock in a strong russian accent.  
“I am Spock.”, he replied.  
“I am Hikaru Sulu.”, the other one told him and sat down in a chair on the other side of the table.  
“May I ask why you are not attending our school? As far as I am aware it is the only high school in this city.”, Spock asked curiously.  
“Oh! I am already attending college classes and ‘Karu is home schooled.”, Pavel explained.  
“Yeah and Chekov here is only 15 years old, so thats hella impressive.”, Christine added.  
“That indeed is impressive.”, Spock agreed.  
“You guys wanna start playing or keep talking about how great Pavel is?”, Leonard asked, while sitting down with two beers, giving one of them to Scotty.  
“Really. Stealing my beer already Bones?”, Jim laughed, “Yeah let's start playing.”  
“First we gonna need to let Spock create his character. All of you have brought your character sheets right?”  
All of them nodded and Jim went on to explain the different races to Spock.  
“We are doing pretty simple games, so we only have a few races, because we did use all of them but it was just too much for us to remember, if I am being honest. There are Dwarfs, Elves, Halfling, Humans, and Gnomes. You only have to choose one of them, or if you want you can mix them, but that makes it more complicated.”  
“You should choose the Elf, because of the-”, Bones said while pointing at his own ears, “you know?”.  
“I think that is racist, Leonard.”, Christine insisted.  
“I will choose my character to be an elf.”, Spock agreed with the other man, with a tiny smirk on his lips.  
“Nice. So now onto classes.”, Jim continued, “You can choose between fighter, magic or rogue classes. For fighter there are barbarians, or rangers. For magic there are clerics, wizards and druids, and last for rogue you could choose between thieves and assassins.”. He then went on to give Spock a short description of all the different classes, to make it easier for him to pick one.  
“I believe that wizard would be an appropriate choice.”, Spock said.  
“Good choice. Now you gotta fill out a sheet for the name and backstory and stuff like that. You can use your phone to google if you want. Maybe the others could tell you about their characters so that you get an idea on how to do it.”  
So they went through and began explaining their characters to him.

“My character is a barbaric elf named Faenja Keemal. When she was 23 years old, she started to travel the world and was meeting a lot of influential people. But she overdid her luck, and became known for being a pain in the ass, and a bounty was set on her. So now she is always on the run, trying not to stay in one place for to long.”, Christine explained.

“Reklon is a human thief, who had a normal life until he was 14 years old. Then he was bitten by a corgi during a full moon, turning him into a were-corgi. So now he turns into a corgi once a month during full month.”, Chekov excitingly told Spock.  
“A were-corgi?”, Spock asked to which he was told by several people in the room to just accept it.

Next Scotty described his halfling assassin Godomar, Uhura her wizard dwarf Eraline, Leonard his human cleric Steve, yes Steve, and Sulu his gnome ranger Heanelyn.

Now it was Spock's turn to actually create his character, and because of lack of creativity he only used online generators for the name and the backstory. So now his elf wizard is called Jandar Omafir and his backstory is that he lost his brother in a drought and was becoming an outcast. Together with a companion he had to survive in a vicious world. But with his ingenuity and determination, he managed to start a new life and battle the elements. This has turned him into the man he is today.  
Spock could life with that backstory, even though it was the first that turned up, but he did not have enough patience to keep on looking for a better one.  
So now he had to roll the different dices to determine his characters abilities and weaknesses.  
He ended up being very good at anything magic related but had very poor social and combat skills, so, according to Christine, he would be most useful in a battle as a healer. He had no idea what that meant but it sounded positive.  
So now they finally could start playing and Spock had to admit, that is was fun to imagine being in a fantasy world, where their day to day problems did not matter, and they could be heroes.  
The story Jim had made up for them was easy to follow, yet it was still very intriguing to Spock. The main premise was to save a princess who was kidnapped by a, how Jim described it, “big evil bad guy” and the only way to achieve that was to work together as a group and join forces.

After a while of playing, they decided to take a quick break so that Chekov could go to the bathroom and the others could have a snack.  
“Why do you still have the picture of Edith up?”, Scotty asked Jim curiously, pointing to the picture Spock had noticed earlier.  
Jim looked at him shocked, he obviously had not expected that question and was struggling to find an answer. Spock noticed how his hands started shaking and his eyes started to water up.  
“Jim, are you okay?”, Leonard asked, leading to Jim standing up, quickly excusing himself and leaving.  
A short moment passed and they heard the front door be closed, Jim had run off into the pouring rain.  
They decided that five of them would go looking for him, while the other two wait, in case he returns on his own.  
Spock went of to the park nearby, skimming the benches, hoping that Jim would be sitting on one of them. Secretly he was worried that something had happened to Jim, even though it is not logical. If Jim was hurt, it had already happened, and Suraks teaching say that its is not necessary to worry about what has happened in the past, because it is not possible to change it in the present.  
Still he felt his heart beating faster than usual.  
After what felt like an eternity, he saw a blond man sitting on a bench, visibly crying.  
“Jim?”, he asked while approaching him.  
“Huh? Oh hey Spock.”, Jim greeted him, while clearly shivering.  
Spock removed his own jacket, put it over Jims shoulders and sat down next to him.  
“Do you wish to talk about what happened?”, Spock asked softly as if he feared that he could startle Jim and was afraid for him to run away again.  
Jim just shook his head, still keeping his eyes focused on the ground.  
Spock sent a quick text message to the others, telling them that he had found Jim before turning his phone off and putting it into his pocket.  
“If you want to return to your house, we can go. If not I would prefer to stay here with you, if that is acceptable to you.”, Spock told him.  
Jim just nodded and continued to stare at the floor beneath them.  
After a while Spock suddenly felt a pressure on his shoulder, Jim had fallen asleep on him.  
Carefully to not wake him, he picked Jim up and carried him home, where the others are already anxiously waiting for them.  
They told him to just put Jim into his bed and showed him where his room is.  
After that he went back to the living room.  
“Did Jim tell you what was wrong?”, Christine asked when he entered the room.  
Spock just shook his head and took the towel Uhura was handing him to dry himself off, he then realized that Jim was still wearing his jacket, but he did not want to disturb him so he let him keep it.  
“Who is Edith?”, Spock curiously asked after some time.  
All the others exchanged some meaningful looks, before Christine just told him to not to worry about it and that Jim will probably tell him one day.  
He still worried.

“You want a ride? I think we live in the same street so I can take you if you want.”, Christine asked the Vulcan after a while.  
He thought about it for a while and it was logical for the reason that he would not have to bother his mother about picking him up, she still has some work to do at home and it would be better for her to not have to leave the house again today.  
He gave her a quickly nod and leaved the house to her car standing there. It was not a newer or expensive in anyway, yet it seemed fitting to her. The blue color matched the shade of the dress she wore, as if she intentionally matched it.  
“You live on the corner of fourth street right?”, she asked as she sat down in the driver's seat and put on her seat belt.  
“That is correct.”, Spock confirmed from the shotgun seat and looked out of the window.  
The events of that evening are still very present on his mind and he believes that he will need some mediation tonight to relax from it.  
“Did Jim tell you anything about what was wrong?”, Christine questioned after a few minutes of silent driving.  
“No he was very quiet.”, Spock explained to her and focused out of the window.  
“It was really nice of you to carry him home by the way.”, she said with a small smile and a slight blush on her checks.  
Spock did not say anything to this, it logically did not require a reply.  
The rest of the drive they spend in silence, Christine being focused on the road while Spock is staring a bit dramatically out of the car window, trying to make a sense out of Jim's behavior today.

\----

Theater practise the next day was surprisingly different for Spock. Before he had watched a group of strangers, and his brother. Now these were his friends.  
He saw Jim energetic bringing in his ideas, to which Pike mostly just nodded, saw how Uhura and Christine stood together and helped each other perfect the pitch of their auditions song.  
He also noticed Scotty, who could sometimes be seen, run around at the back of the auditorium, setting up the first pieces of tech.  
I filled his chest with warmth to see them so focused on what they are doing.  
“Spock! Come down here. You don't need to hide away”, Jim called him after a short while. Slowly he made his way to the stage, where the others were working. It became clear to him that Scotty was not here because he wanted to work on the tech, instead he was closely watching every of Nyotas movements while holding some cables, paying close attention to every word and note coming out of her mouth with a warm expression on his face. There was something more between them than friendship, Spock noticed, even if they do not know it themselves yet. Seemingly the others did know about this too, Jim and Christine shared a quick look as they noticed the Scotts pining from across the room.  
“Kirk!”, Uhura called out while coming up to them, “I got an idea.”  
“Yeah?”, Jim replied.  
“We should do a duet for the audition. I already asked Pike and he says that that would be okay too.”, Spock believed that this was a good idea, their voices would work really well together, he thinks even though he had never heard either of them sing.  
“But why?”, he asked perplexed.  
“Let's be real. We both want the leads, so if we make Pike and Sybok see that we can have a great dynamic together and that we are killing it at harmonies with each other, that could give us a better chance.”  
“Sound good to me. What songs are you thinking?”  
“I would choose Kiss me from Sweeney Todd”  
“Not an easy song.”, Jim grinned  
“If you aren't up for the challenge I am sure I can find someone else.”, Uhura told him.  
“No no I can do it.”, Jim protested with a big grin on his face, he looked incredible confident and quite beautiful, if Spock is being honest with himself.  
“Good then we gotta start practising it soon, are you free later today?”  
Jim nodded and turned his attention back to Spock, who still was standing behind him.  
“By the way I just wanted to thank you for carrying me home on Friday, that was really cool.”, Jim wholeheartedly said while smiling at the Vulcan.  
He had a beautiful, honest smile, that made Spock’s chest and face warm up slightly.  
It almost made him wish he could see it everyday. Jim was so much more beautiful when he was smiling than when he was crying. His beautiful eyes sparkling with joy as his whole face light up. It was that kind of smile that can figuratively stop the earth's motion for a moment, lighten up the whole room and cure a raining day, and to Spock it was the most incredibly stunning thing the had ever seen in his life.  
And just in that moment Spock realized something he would never had expected in his life.  
He had a crush as humans would call it and he did not have any clue on how to deal with it.

\-----  
On the next day in school Spock had a confusing experience because during their joined physics class Christine invited Spock on a date, to have dinner with her.  
He doesn't fully understand where she is coming from, but it seems like Christine interprets their friendship as something more, and even though Spock has started to believe that he might be attracted to only his own gender, he accepted her offer.  
Of course it was illogical to think so, but he believed that it would maybe be possible for him to develop an attraction to Christine over time.  
And Christine was.. nice and smart, she was the kind of girl his father would approve of, not that his approval matters to Spock or anything.  
Physically she reminded him in some ways of Jim, her hair was a similar shade of blonde and her smile was also very beautiful, even if it could never be quite as beautiful as Jim’s.  
So he went on said date with her and it was not actually that bad.  
They had dinner at a nice, but not to expensive, restaurant and talk about everything that came to their minds. Spock found out that Christine was planning on attending nursing school after graduating, and he told her that he is intending on majoring in astrophysics in college.  
They did have some interesting conversation but Spock realized that all feelings he can ever bring himself to admit for her are only in a friendly way, and not in any kind of romantical way. He actually never had before felt an attraction to a woman, any woman.  
After the dinner he decided it was appropriate that he walked her home  
“I had a really nice time tonight.”, Christine said with a bright smile on her face.  
“I too had a rather pleasant time.”, Spock mumbled, “but I do not wish to repeat it”  
“What? Why-”  
“I believe that I am gay.”, Spock interrupted her.  
“That okay. Just one question. Why did you agree to go out with me in the first place?”  
Spock sighed, “I convinced myself that I could develop an attraction to you, but I seemed as if I was wrong for believing this.”  
Christine smiled at him and told him something that was meant to stick with him for a long time  
“You need to accept yourself first, before you can expect other people to do it. Being Gay is not a thing to be ashamed off.”  
After coming out to Christine, Spock started to feel a lot more comfortable in his identity. He needed someone just telling him that it is okay and normal to be gay.

\----

Spock was allowed to watch during the auditions, but he did not really pay attention. Many of the people who auditioned were not exactly great at singing, not that he would be better at it.  
They did try their best and Sybok and Pike seemed to acknowledge that, writing down things on their notepads, and talking about how they could include everyone in the production, while still having the really talented students play the lead roles.  
But then it was Jim's turn, and Spock finally started paying attention.  
“James T Kirk, auditioning for the role of Evan Hansen.”, he quickly said the same phrase that Spock had heard over and over again this day, yet out of Jims mouth it sounded a lot more beautiful and energetic, as if it was the best thing that could happen to him, standing there on the stage about to sing to two teachers and a fellow student.  
“You wanna start with Words fail?”, Pike asked smiling.  
Jim just nodded, took a deep breath and waited for the background music to start before starting to sing.

_I never meant to make it such a mess  
I never thought that it would go this far  
So I just stand here sorry  
Searching for something to say  
Something to say  
Words fail, words fail  
There's nothing I can say_

Jims voice is beautiful, the way he pays attention to every single note, the way the put emotion in every word.  
Spock had to swallow hard to avoid showing that Jim’s singing had an emotional impact on him, but Sybok noticed, he always does. He just knows Spock to well by now that he can see every single emotions, the younger Vulcan is trying so intensely to hide.  
Spock zoned out a bit while listening to Jims voice.  
Then when the emotional climax of the song came, Spock noticed both Sybok and Pike paying ever closer attention, the lead has to master the emotion in this scene after all.

_No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts  
Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am  
'Cause then I don't have to look at it  
And no one gets to look at it  
No, no one can really see_

Jims eyes were tearing up during this part and it was obvious to everyone who would be watching him, that this was incredible acting and nobody even questioned whether or not he should get the lead role, though he still has to sing the second song, which would be a duet with Nyota, as Spock remembers.  
Sybok and Pike clapped and cheered Jim on after he had hit the last note of the song, they had made their decision.  
“That was incredible Jim! You still need to sing your second song though.”, Sybok said smiling brightly. “You wanted to sing a duet with Uhura right?”.  
It was no surprise to Spock that not even the teachers say Nyota’s first name in front of Jim, she can be very convincing when she was a plan.  
“Yeah!”, Jim confirmed, “We are going to sing “Kiss me” from sweeney todd”  
This seemed to surprise the two directors.  
“That's a really hard song.”, Sybok expressed, “Are you sure you can do it?”  
Jim didn't say anything to that, he just shrugged.  
“So we are now gonna continue with the auditions and call you back in when Uhura finished her first song, okay?”, Pike asked and Jim just nodded and left the stage.  
“I think we have our Evan.”, Sybok confirmed what Spock had already expected, and Pike just nodded and called in the next person, because even if they were sure that Jim would get the role, they still want to give the others a fair chance.  
Spock stopped paying attention again.

\----

Having friends is something new, exciting for Spock, without realizing it he became an important part in the friends group. He got invited to “hangout”, where they would watch movies and do karaoke, where Spock does not participate, but he does enjoy watching them.  
Just like today, all of them were sitting in Scotty basement, because he owns a karaoke machine, and Jim decided that it was very important for them to sing songs from a movie called “LaLaLand”, which they showed Spock the weekend before.  
He tried to convince the Vulcan to also sing, but had no success.  
“Please Spock! Just one song?”, he tried again to which Spock just shook his head. This made Jim sign but he still had a smile on his lips. It was obvious that he was just teasing him.  
This was one of the first times in his whole life that Spock felt just content with the situation, normally he always has the desire to hide some parts about himself, but with this group it is easy to be himself, though he does not openly show his humanity, but that is just a preference that he has.  
But sitting here with his friends who accepted him for who he was, made him feel secure and watching them have fun and laugh just felt good to him.

\---

Spock took a deep breath before calling Michael, he decided that it was about time that he stops hiding, which is hard because its feels like he had never done anything else in his entire life.  
She picked up right away and greeted him with a “Hey Spock. Whats up?”. They haven’t talked much since Michael joined Starfleet four years ago. She is always either in the Academy in San Francisco or on some small mission in space.  
“I wanted to talk to you about something.”, he told her quietly while trying his hardest to maintain eye contact, which was a lot easier over video chat than it would have been in a face to face conversation.  
“What is it?”  
“I- I believe that I might be gay.”, Spock told her, looking down at his hands.  
“Oh that's okay. How did you notice? Is there a boy you like?”  
“Yes there indeed is… a boy. His name is Jim.”  
“Tell me about him!”  
“He is the most illogical and irritating being I have ever meet, but he is… beautiful and extremely smart, he is incredibly passionate about a lot of things and hearing him sing is just fascinating in its own way.”  
“Well sounds like you are absolutely smitten.”, Michael smiled.  
“Maybe I am. Please do not tell anyone. You are only the second person I have told.”  
“Of course not. That’s your choice who you tell and when. Just remember that we all love you and want you to be happy, in your way”  
“Thank you. I appreciate it.”,  
“You do know that I wanna meet your loverboy once I get back to earth!”  
“I am not dating him”, Spock quickly added.  
“Then maybe you should get on that soon.”

\----

The drive to school the next day was more quiet than usual, normally Sybok would have a monologue the entire drive, while Spock pretends to be listening, it was obvious that Sybok had talked to Michael, and Spock hoped that she did not out him, but he cannot believe that she would do something like this.  
“So.”, Sybok said after a while, “Michael told me to watch out for you. She did not say why tho.”  
“She did?”, Spock questioned, secretly glad that his secret seemed to be safe with her.  
“She thinks you might be going through something and she doesn't want you to have to do it alone. We are all there for you if you ever need to talk about something, you know?”, his brother asked him and looked at him for a short moment, before turning his attention back onto the road.  
Spock thought about those words for quite a while, before quietly whispering a thank you, to which Sybok just smiled.

\----

“Your father will come home from his trip to Vulcan today. Aren't you happy to see him?”, Amanda spoke to her son, who was deeply focused on the artwork he currently was working on.  
“Being happy to see someone, as you put it, is a human emotion, isn’t it?”  
“Spock. You sometimes need to remember that you are half human and that's not a bad thing. Human is not a dirty word. I know that your father would prefer for you to be completely vulcan, but I don't. I just want you to be happy. Emotions are not entirely a bad thing. Emotions can be the most beautiful thing we'll ever experience in our life. ”  
Spock locked down at the paper in front of him, again he had sketched Jim's face into his sketchbook, without even realizing it. Like he had done the days before.  
“There is something I wish to share with you, mother.”  
“Yeah? What is it?”, she smiled. She has a beautiful smile, Spock realized. Never before had he paid attention to it.  
“I think I have fallen in Love.”, he explained quietly, while closing his sketchbook.  
“That's amazing! Whats her name?”  
“His name is Jim.”, mumbled while avoiding eye contact.  
“At least I won't have to worry about you getting someone pregnant then.”, his mother chuckled, “You can bring him over for dinner soon. I would love to meet the guy who makes my little boy admit that he has feeling willingly.”  
“Mother.I believe that it would be best to break my engagement to T’Pring.”, Spock said quietly after a while.  
“We will find a way soon. Just remember that I love and accept you”, she assured him while softly touching his shoulder.

\----

After talking to his mother, Spock decided to medicate inside of his room until his father would come home, this conversation had been exhausting to him and his mind required rest.  
Yet he could not focus on his medication, there was to much on his mind for him to completely on relaxing. So he decided to let the memories flow his mind.  
Thoughts about his family, especially his siblings came to him, almost surrounding him:  
First he thought about the day Michael came to life with them, after her parents had died. His mother had introduced her to him but he had slammed his room door into her face, a purely emotional act, as he realized now. Still she had not stopped trying to befriend him, which he nowadays is very glad for: He does not believe that they would be as close as they are now without Michaels patience with him.  
She did somehow know that suddenly having a new person living with them was rather difficult for Spock, but after a time it became easier and easier to live with Michael around.  
Then he thought about how Sybok came over more and more, when his birth mother started to reject him for being more emotional than Vulcan are supposed to be. Amanda slipped right into the mother role for him, comforting him when he was upset, caring for him when he was sick, helping and supporting him in his career choice later on. Nowadays he has no contact with his actual biological mother and sees Amanda as his only relevant mother.  
After that his mind wandered to the time he had spend living on Vulcan, and how the other children there had treated him. It was a time of daily torture, being discriminated for the sole reason of having a human mother. That had never made sense to him, why would children that had been raised on logic and acceptance of other be so hateful towards him? He figured that this may not be for him to understand. Yet one thing that stock out to him during this time is the comfort he had revived from his family, especially his siblings. They never had said it out loud but Spock knew that it was also stressful for them to see their little brother in so much pain.  
The scene shifted again, to an older version of himself and his siblings, younger than they are now, obviously. It was the day Sybok left to go to university on earth, leaving him and Michael, who would leave just a few month later, behind. Even if he does not like to admit it, this is an extremely painful to him, it felt to him like he was being left by everyone, he felt alone for the first time since Michael had moved in with them and he did not know how to deal with those feelings.  
Still all these memories were so dear to him because his family always had been an important part of his life, they were there for him when he decided focus on being more Vulcan than human, even though Sybok did not really approve of it, but still supported him in times when his humanity was a bit more obvious, when he is showing emotions even if he is trying his hardest not too.  
He never in anyway felt left behind or alone by them, he knew that they loved him in their own supportive ways.

\----

Dinner at the S'chn T'gai was as quiet as it always was,normally it was just Spock and his mother but the fact that Spock’s father Sarek was home for the first time in quite a while did not disturb the peace.  
Still Spock did not have any appetit that day, even though the food his mother had prepared looks very appealing, he was deep in his thoughts, trying to figure out how he should tell his father that not only does he not wish to marry the girl his parents had chosen for him, even though they had be betrothed as long as he can remember, but also that he is more attracted to his own gender than the opposite.  
Of course he does not have to tell him yet, his mother had told him this several times since he came out to her, but he did not like hiding this huge part of his identity from his own father and he was not ashamed of it or anything like that.  
“Father. I have something to share.”, he said while putting his spoon down into his soup, that by now had gotten cold.  
“Yes?”, Sarek just said, now turning his attention away from his own bowl and toward his youngest son instead.  
“I wish to dissolve my engagement to T’Pring, as for I believe to only be attracted to… men”, Spock explained himself quietly.  
“Very well.”, his father said while continuing to eat.  
“That's all?”, Amanda asked with a bitter undertone in her voice, “Your son just came out to you and all you have to say is “Very well”?”  
“I did not think that an additional reaction was necessary. I am sorry if there was anymore you had expected of me, my son,”  
“No. I believe your response was.. suffienced.”, Spock reassured his father with almost an hint of a smile on his face.  
“Ma etek natyan teretuhr lau etek shetau weh-lo'uk do tum t'on”, Sarek added.  
_We have differences. May we, together, become greater than the sum of both of us._  
He could not have asked for a better reaction, but what did he expect? His father is very Vulcan, and being mad about having a gay son is not very logical and in addition to this Sarek had also married his mother for love, even though he had already been married to another woman, he did not love.  
Amanda noticed the smallest of smiles on the lips of both her son and her husband, and it warmed her heart. It was not often that she could see emotions so clearly on them and she loves them even more when they don't try so forcefully to hide every emotion.

\----

The final rehearsal came faster than anyone, especially Jim, had expected. It felt to him like t was just yesterday that he had been starting to practise for his audition and now he was trying his best not to panic while thinking about the fact that the opening night was almost there, and he would have to sing the songs he had been practising for the last few months in front of all his friends and family.  
Sure a lot of them had seen him perform before, he can't help but sing in front of them sometimes, especially when he is very happy. But actually having to do well is a whole different story.  
“Jim, you okay there?”, Pike asked him from the other side of the stage, having obviously noticed that Jim is a bit distracted today.  
“Yeah, yeah everything is fine… Where were we?”, he asked, yet his attention did not last long, because he noticed Spock sitting at the back of the room, deeply focused on the book lying on his lap. He knew that Spock was there, but seeing him so concentrated on his reading, sitting like no one could see him, completely distracted from the real world. It was simply beautiful.  
“You really should pay attention to the rehearsal instead of your boyfriend.”, Uhura said to him quite enough that only he could understand it.  
“He is not my boyfriend.”, Jim just replied but the blush that appeared on his checks showed Uhura that her assumption was not entirely false. She just smiled and started to talk to Pike who just asked something about her costume.

\----

Everyone knew that Spock was excited to see Jim perform, even though he would never admit it out loud.  
Yet he did wait for this day since he first saw Jim sing at the auditions, knowing that he would be incredible in this role.  
Amanda had advised Spock to give Jim flowers after the play, which he thought was illogical but she insisted and Sybok also agreed that it was a good idea, so now he was sitting in his seat, waiting for the play to start, with a bouquet of flowers on his lap, he even had informed himself about which flowers Jim was allergic to and about the different meanings of the different flowers and their colors. Quite an interesting topic once you have really gotten into it  
He was sitting alone, because the people he would not mind sitting next to where involved in the production in one way or another, either being an actor or working backstage, when Chekov and Sulu came up to him, seemingly having been invited to watch the play on opening night.  
“Mind if we sit with you?”, Sulu asked and smiled politely at the Vulcan.  
“I do not.”, he said as they already sat down next to him.  
Chekov seemed to notice the flowers Spock was holding, “Are these for Nyota?”, he asked naively.  
“No. They are not.”, Spock said, without caring enough to explain any further. It was not important for them to know that he intended to give the flowers to Jim at the end of the play, though both of them kept asking him about the receiver of the flowers over and over again, to which Spock decided not to respond, for obvious reasons.  
He then paid close attention to the stage, not willing to miss even a single second of the performance by looking away while it started, which would not be for another ten minutes of him staring intensely at the closed curtain.  
When it started, Jim was the first one to enter the stage, singing the opening number perfectly and getting a lot of cheers for it.  
Spock did not realize it at this time, but both Sulu and Chekov realized the slight smile that formed on his face, seeing Jim perform. If he was fully human this would be a full on grin going up to his eyes, but his Vulcan upbringing prohibits that.  
Still he felt the way he always does when he is watching Jim perform. His chest is warm and he felt what his mother would call “butterflies” in his stomach.  
Was this what love felt like?  
Spock could tell that Jim was nervous but that he was also extremely excited to play the lead role in this production, maybe the nervosity was part of the character, he was portraying.  
The play was fascinating to say the least, even though Spock did not pay much attention to anyone besides Jim, so he could just say that they were not so bad that they would have distracted him from staring at Jim, which is a good sign, he believes.

Afterwards he went to the backstage room, with a firm grip around his flowers. If he is being completely honest with himself, he is a bit nervous, not that he would ever admit it to anyone. Still he felt his heartbeat becoming faster, his knees are getting weak and he's got a “lump in his throat”.  
When Jim saw him enter the backstage area he immediately came up to him with a huge smile on his face. “Spock!”, he exclaimed, “Did you enjoy the play?”  
“I did very much.”, he replied while giving the bouquet to Jim,“these are for you. I was told it was appropriate to give flowers after a performance.”  
Spock did notice Pike and Sybok watching them, both with huge grins on their face, but he chose to ignore them.  
“Thank you so much.”, Jim said while blushing and looking down at the flowers in his hands, “These are beautiful.”. It was a mix between red roses, meaning love, and violet roses, meaning love at first sight, as Jim noticed, he had gotten into the meaning of flowers because of his mother who always would talk about it to him. There was also a single tulip in the bouquet, declaration of love, it told him.  
“You do know that different flowers have different meanings in human culture?”  
“I am aware about that.”, Spock confirmed, with a slight green tint forming on his checks.  
There was some awkward silence between them, before Jim asked, “Do you maybe want to come to the Aftershow party with us?”, Spock could see Sybok standing a bit behind Jim nodding intensely and texting someone on his phone.  
“That would be agreeable.”

\----

The Aftershow party was a mess, Spock does not know why he chose to attend it. Maybe it was because Jim asked him, if it was anyone else inviting him, it was likely that he would not have agreed. Chekov and Sulu, who had already puked onto Pikes shoes and was now being comforted about it by Christine,who had volunteered to have the party being held at her place, were also invited.  
Spock decided it would be the best if he stayed in the background, not to attract too much attention on him, just quietly drinking the drink Sybok had given him.  
But that was apparently not his decision to made, because shortly after he had sat down, Jim was already next to him, telling him to have fun instead of “pouting in the background”  
“I am not pouting.”, Spock explained calmly, trying to figure out if this drink has any cacao in it. Hopefully it does not.  
“Yeah you are, but if you wanna stay here that's alright too. I will stay with you though.”  
“You really do not have to do that.”  
“Spock. What if it's what I want to do?”, Jim asked smirking, while watching a hit of green appear on Spock's checks.  
Spock did not know what to respond to that, so he just kept quiet and stared at the floor and wondered what it would be like to hold Jims hands in his.  
It was an illogical thought, but still he could not shake it of, only then he realized that Jim had started to talk about something, he doesn't know what, he didn't listen after all.  
“Spock? Did you not listen to me?”, Jim questioned with his arms crossed and a smirk on his lips, almost as if he did realize what Spock was thinking about, which he definitely did not.  
“May I hold your hands?”, Spock blurred out and immediately regretted it, why did he say that? That was an illogical, and frankly quite stupid, thing to say to anyone.  
Jim looked at him with a surprised expression and carefully grabbed the Vulcans hands.  
A float of emotions rushed through both of them and it made Spock realized that he didn't have his telepathic walls up, so Jim could feel everything that was going on in him at this very moment.  
All the love he had built up inside of him, the happiness of being with Jim but also the fear of being rejected, and the lightheadedness from the cocoa, he assumed Sybok had put into his drink, so he can “relax” a bit  
At the same moment he could feel Jim’s feelings, there was a lot of fundamental sadness, as if it had always been there and would always be there, as if it was a part of him that he was trying to hide from everyone, which is something Spock can relate to a lot. But there also was a feeling of strong affection for Spock coming from him.  
Jim had in this moment also realized what had happened, so he quickly pulled his hands away, stood up, apologized to Spock and ran away.  
But what he had not considered is that Spock had an excellent reaction time and was directly behind him, as he tried to leave.  
“Jim. Please do not leave.”, he said quietly, but prepared that Jim would leave him here alone anyway, no matter what he would think.  
Jim just shook his head, grabbed the Vulcan by his sleeve and pulled him into another room, so that they could talk, without anyone else being around them.  
It was extremely awkward, sitting in that room, waiting for Jim to talk first.  
Nervously Jim walked up and down in the room, seemingly trying to work up the courage to tell Spock whatever it is that is bothering him.  
He immediately noticed how beautiful Jim looked in the dimmed lighting in this room. His blond hair seemed a lot darker and the hazel color of his eyes was incredibly brown, reminding Spock of the color of cinnamon.  
“Jim. Are you alright?”, Spock asked concerned after five minutes of Jim still not talking.  
Jim hesitated for a moment and then just shook his head signing and sat down next to Spock, “I.. I will tell you something but you can’t tell anyone okay? Especially not Bones, he would just worry too much”, Jim said quietly, while looking down at his hand, trying his best to not make eye contact with Spock, who quickly agreed to not telling anyone.  
There was quietness for a time that seemed like an entirety, before Jim said “I don't know how to start.”.  
“Maybe it will be easier if you show me.”, Spock suggested.  
This confused Jim, so Spock explained the concept of mind melding to him and Jim hesitantly agreed.  
Spock put this fingers to Jim's melding points and murmured “My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts.”

This was like nothing Jim had ever felt before, Spock was so close to him, so present, and he could feel the Vulcan waiting for him to get used to it before getting into his memories.  
Jim silently tried to show Spock that he is ready, and he seems to understand.  
“Just think of the memory you wish to show me.”  
Jim took one deep breath and thought back to that day.  
.  
_It wasn't a day that was seemed different to any other, just an average midsummer day, the sun was shining so he and Edith planned on going out together.  
She just came back from her trip to New York, with her family, and Jim was really excited to spend time with her again.  
He picked her up from her house and they began to walk to the park closeby.  
That's when everything went wrong.  
Jim was crossing the street and did not realize that a truck was fastly approaching him, Edith saved his life by pushing him away and getting hit herself.  
He wasn't physically hurt but it still was the worst pain he had ever know, he could have and keep blaming himself.  
The only other thing he remembered was the ambulance arriving and a middle aged paramedic telling him that they did everything they could but Edith had already died.  
He couldn’t help but blame himself for what happend. It should be him lying there.  
It is not fair that its her.  
She did not deserve this.  
The scene shifted, now Jim was on a graveyard, Edith's funeral had just ended. He could basically feel the stares of everyone who had attended the funeral on his back.  
“Edith would still be alive if it weren't for him”, he heard them whisper. He was sure that they didnt mean for him to overhear their talking but he heard it, he heard everything they said about him and he can’t help but agree. _  
Quickly he pulled away from Spock, tears streaming down his face.  
“So yeah... that's it.”, he said as he turned away from Spock, not prepared to see whatever his reaction would be to what just happened.  
But nothing changed, Spock just sat there and let Jim calm down, silently handing him a paper towel to dry his eyes with.  
“Feels like we’ve been here before. Me crying while you just sit there.”, Jim laughed bitterly after a while.  
“I am sorry, did you hope for a different reaction from me?”, Spock asked quietly, finally making eye contact with Jim.  
“No. It's really comforting having you just sit there.”, Jim said while wiping the tears from his face, noticing the hint of a smile that had formed on the lips of the Vulcan sitting next to him.  
He decided not to comment on it and instead just smiled back at him.  
“Jim. I really think consulting a therapist could be helpful in your case. It seems like this scenario was really traumatic to you.”  
“But.. I am not crazy or anything.”, Jim quickly defended himself.  
Spock just shook his head, “Therapy is not just for as you call it people who are “crazy”, he explained, “A lot of people just use it as a method of coping with what has happened to them.”  
Jim just looked down for a while before slowly nodding.  
“You might be right. Thank you. I think I really needed that push.”, he agreed.  
Then there was silent for a what felt like hours, the tension between them was so thick that I could be cut with a knife, and Jim could not stop thinking about what it felt like to hold Spock's hands in his own.  
Then he realized something important.  
“Uh.. Spock? Don't Vulcans kiss with their hands?”.  
He could clearly see the realization on what had happened on Spock's face additional to a green tint appearing on the Vulcans cheeks.  
“I apologize Jim. It was not my intention to make you uncomfortable, Jim”, he quickly explained while moving a bit away from the other.  
Jim just smiled slightly and grabbed the others hands again, “Don’t worry, I actually kinda liked it. Can you show me how to do it properly? This seems a bit wrong.”  
Spock looked at him incredibly stunned, he did not expect that. “I did assume you were heterosexual?”  
Now it was Jim’s turn to be surprised, “Why would you think that?”, he asked, still holding Spock's hands. From an outside perspective, this must have looked like a scene from a dramatic, romantic movie.  
Jim being the lead, with the dramatic backstory, sitting there with eyes red from crying and Spock being his mysterious love interest, who is trying to confess his love in the most romantic way possible right now.  
Yet in reality it was different, not as picture perfect as a movie would be but beautiful nevertheless, with Jim trying his hardest to explain to Spock what being bi meant, which seems to confuse the Vulcan quite a bit.  
“So you experience attraction to men and women?”, he asked yet again, which made Jim laugh and nod.  
Spock had succeeded in trying to distract Jim from his sad thoughts, even for just a short while, carefully he grabbed Jim’s hand, “put your fingers out like this.”, he told him, while extending his index and middle finger.  
“Like this?”, Jim asked, mimicking the gesture Spock was doing.  
Spock nodded and carefully placed his fingers on Jim’s, and slightly moved them, giving Jim goosebumps and making him flustered.  
Carefully Jim pulled his hand away and looked at Spock. “Can I kiss you? In the human way I mean.”  
Spock's eyes widened slightly as he said “You may.”.  
Gently Jim placed his lips on Spock’s, making both of them blush intensely, and put his hand onto Spock neck pulling him in closer, while Spock had his hands on Jim’s hips.  
Spock cannot put to words how much he longed for this to happen, yet it still didn't feel like real life, the smell of Jim’s shampoo reminded him of the first time he had smelled this scented for the first time on the day they had played Dungeons and Dragons. It still had the same sweet vanilla smell that was so pleasing to Spock and it made this experience so much more intense to him.

Then someone came in, who Spock was really surprised to see, especially here, he basically jumped away from Jim and looked at the young woman who just came into the room, without knocking.  
“Michael? What are you doing here?”, he asked.  
Jim did not know her, so he just quietly sat there and pushed his glasses back in place, hoping that his breathing would return to normal soon.  
The woman, Michael, sat down opposite from them and began to speak “I am on leave from the academy and I wanted to surprise you, so I asked Sybok where I could find you tonight and just invited myself.”, she smiled and then turned to Jim, “You must be Jim. I heard a lot about you. I am Michael, Spock's sister.”  
“Only good things I hope”, Jim joked uncomfortably.  
“Of course. Only about how you are so amazing and smart and-”, she was interrupted by Spock throwing a pillow at her, not the logical choice of course, but seemingly the only thing that would be effective.  
It was incredible for Jim to see Spock interact so openly with his sister, in an almost human way, even though Spock himself would never admit it.  
“Oh. So you find me amazing and smart?”, Jim teased noticing how brightly green Spock's cheeks had gotten over the last few minutes.  
The Vulcan just slightly nodded and tried his best to change the topic, “How is the Academy?”  
“It’s great actually, I got accepted into teaching parts of the Command training program.”, Michael told them with a smile on her face, it is weird to see her showing her emotions so openly, even though she is Spock's sister, and he is very careful about letting any of his feeling slip to the outside.  
But she seemed to be fully human after all.  
There was still one question left unanswered, so Spock asked his sister “How did you know what room I was in?”  
Michael shuckled and said “Sybok is listening in to everything going on inside of her. So I just figured that he might be spying on you.”  
Spock sighed and told Sybok, who was still in front of the door, that he might as well come in.  
Jim decided that this would be the moment for him to leave, so he told Spock that they would talk later and sneaked out of the room and went to his friend standing around in the living room.

\----

He knew that this was something he needed to do, but that does not mean that he has do enjoy doing it, but he had avoided this talk for far to long.  
Jim could understand what Stephen was going through probably a lot better than anyone else, yet he never was brave enough to start this conversation, be the bigger man.  
Until now, where he was standing in front of the house he knew inside out, after having spend almost all of his afternoons there with Edith.  
Still it took him a few seconds until he could get himself to actually to ring the doorbell, and a whole lot of self-control to not just run away like a kid that had just played one of those ding-dong-ditch pranks, which he used to think are hilarious.  
“Jim?”, the other man asked after opening the door, and Jim felt his fight or flight reflex kicking in, but neither running away nor punching Stephen in the face was the proper response to just being greeted.  
“I want to talk to you, civilised.”, Jim told him and made a move, to show him that he would like to step inside, which Stephen granted him by moving a step away from the door.  
Right after entering the building, Dean noticed the smell that he would always associate with Edith, a sweet smell almost like sunflowers and apple pie, and it almost brought tears into his eyes, so many memories were connected to that one specific smell. A lot of lazy afternoons lying on Ediths bed, holding her in his arms and talking about whatever came to their mind.  
“What do you want to talk about?”, Stephen asked him as they sat down in the living room  
“Edith.”, Jim mumbled while looking at the ground, he did not have the strength to look him into the eyes.  
The other man stared at him in disbelieve, as if he could not understand why in the world Jim would ever try to talk about his late sister.  
“Please just hear me out”, Jim continued, having lifted his focus from the floor to the eyes of the person opposite of him, “I know that this is a hard topic for you, hell it is probably just as hard for me. But we need to act like grown ups. You have to stop blaming me for what happened. I can't change the past, I wish I could.”  
This made Stephen sit down on the Sofa and bury his face in his hands, it took him a moment to sort his thoughts before he could find a way to respond to the small rant Jim just held before him.  
“You are right, Jim.”, he sighed after a while. Admitting this was a huge step for him that he didn't believe he would be making this soon.  
The time after Edith's death was just a giant blurry mess to Stephen, who was so overwhelmed by grief upon losing her that he felt like everyday was just more painful than the last.  
“I am?”, Jim asked slightly confused, he had not expected to go so smoothly, it had seemed more likely to him that Stephen would not just accept what he had to say and that he would have to flee as fast as he could, yet he could see the tears that had formed in the other man's eyes and felt the need inside of him to embrace him in a hug, which he didn't.  
“I am sorry, Jim. I guess I just couldn’t see that it was never your fault.”, he mumbled with his eyes fixed onto his hand he had lying folded on his legs.  
Jim laid a hand onto his shoulder and gave him a small smile, “I miss her too you know? A lot.”

\-----

Dinner with Spock's family was… interesting. Not in a bad way, not at all, but it was definitely not what Jim had expected.  
Amanda, Spock's mother, is lovely, Jim likes her a lot. She gave him some recipes and they laughed about their Vulcan partners together, but Spocks father just straight up scared Jim the first time he saw him, before he realized that Sarek just wants the best for his children, even if that means scaring off potential bad influences.  
But it seemed as if Jim had proved to be a good choice for Spock, so Sarek warmed up to him pretty fast, in his own Vulcan way.  
Michael and Sybok he had already met before, so they were not really a challenge, and it felt like they were just really glad that Spock found someone who was there for him, even though according to Spock, he had never officially come out to his brother, which would not be necessary now.  
Jim liked Spock's family, they made him feel welcome and accepted.  
But that did not stop them from basically interrogating Jim about everything in his life, which is really terrifying to both Jim and Spock.  
“What college are you planning on attending?”, Amanda asked him with an honest smile on her lips.  
“I am actually already accepted into Starfleet Academy, into both the engineering and command programm”  
“Nash-veh tishaya ish-veh”, Amanda said in Vulcan, and in that moment Jim was glad that he learned Vulcan as a second language, so he was able to understand what she was saying.  
_I like him._  
That's a good sign.  
“shaya tonat”  
_thank you _  
Jim said with a shaking voice and hoping that his accent isn't too bad.  
Everyone else at the table looked at him shocked, except Spock who already knew that Jim could speak a bit of Vulcan.  
“Kup-stariben nash-veh Vuhlkansu.”  
_I can speak some Vulcan_  
Jim explained himself.  
“He’s a keeper.”, Michael joked, to which Spock just comfortably nodded.__

__At the end of the dinner, Spock decided to walk Jim home. He didn't need to, Jim lived actually not that far away, but he thought that I would be a nice gesture.  
“I still have the jacket you gave me.”, Jim said after a while of silently walking next to each other.  
Spock was irritated for a short moment in which he did not remember to which jacket Jim could be referring to, then it dawned on him. The jacket, Spock had put over Jim's shoulder the day they were playing DnD, in the park while it rained.  
“I almost forgot about it.”, Spock replied, “Why did you keep it for so long?”  
“Well..”, Jim rubbed the back of his neck and blushed slightly, “At first I honestly I forgot to give it to you. But then when I started to… like like you, I kept it because it smelled of you.”  
“Like like me?”, Spock repeated and Jim just nodded and smiled at the Vulcan.  
“I did not think you would… feel the same way about me.”, Spock said quietly, while the word feel was nothing more than just a whisper, as if he was ashamed to admit to having feelings, even though it was nobody except Jim around.  
And in that moment they arrived at Jim’s house.  
“I’ll see you on Monday.”, Jim smiled at him after giving him a brief goodbye kiss to which Spock only nodded.  
And in that moment Spock knew that Jim was the man he will be marrying because he is his T’hy’la._ _

__\----_ _

___Epilogue ____ _

____It was years later when Spock thought about that time again. It seemed off to him nowadays, how insecure in a way he had felt about being attracted to his own gender rather than the other, which was what the society he happened to life in expected of him.  
“What are you thinking about?”, Jim, who just had gotten home from one of his college classes, asked him.  
“The beginnings of our relationship.”, Spock explained, with a hint of a smile on his lips, so small that almost nobody would have noticed it. Luckily Jim was one of the few people that could read the Vulcan very well.  
Jim pressed a small kiss onto his partners cheek, a sign of affection Spock had a hard time getting used to at first, but now, it was something he appreciated a lot, but only because it was coming from Jim.  
“How was your day?”, Spock asked him after he had sat down next to him on the Sofa, in the last few years Spock had started to appreciate his humanity more than he ever believed possible, to the point that he could ask seemingly illogical and unimportant questions without a second thought.  
“Pretty good. I had a appointment with my therapist in my lunch break, nothing special. What about you?”  
Spock did some things today, but none of them were something that he could tell Jim about.  
He met up with Nyota, they went out to drink a tea, and went to jewelry store downtown to look for rings. He believed it to be appropriate if he would propose to Jim in the traditional human way, but he cannot let him know that yet. Nyota helped him pick out the perfect ring and he is sure that Jim will approve of his choice.  
“I went out for tea with Uhura.”, Spock simply told him, while still not using her first name, Jim still does not know it to this day.  
“That's nice.”, he said with a genuine smile on his lips, “How is she doing?”.  
“She is well.”, he replied shortly, trying not to reveal too much information, which was hard since Jim usually was the person he would tell everything that was on his mind.  
As a reply there was only a happy noise from Jim as he cuddled against the Vulcans chest and fell asleep incredibly fast. He must have been very tired.  
In that moment Spock remembered why he wishes to propose to Jim, why being married to him is the one thing he wants out of the future. It is because he truly and deeply loves the man who just feel asleep on top of him._ _ _ _


End file.
